


Sacrifices

by Tea_and_crumpets



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:50:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2405771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea_and_crumpets/pseuds/Tea_and_crumpets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made for the ones you love. Lizzie Bennet knew that. She knew that one day, it would all come down to one of them sacrificing what they wanted for what they needed – each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sacrifices

Lizzie had never been very maternal, had never possessed the overwhelming urge to have children. She left that sort of thing to Jane, who had doted over her two sisters as babies. Kind, caring, patient Jane. Jane was destined to be an amazing mother, and along with Bing, their children would be perfect.

Will wasn’t the problem – no, she knew he wanted children. He had wanted a family ever since his had been brutally torn apart. The problem was her. Lizzie Bennet knew what she wanted. She wanted a stable career, she wanted her company to flourish and she wanted to be doing it along with the support of someone who loved her ardently, for her. There was no doubting Will’s love, yet somehow, when Lizzie pictured her future, there were no little versions of William and her running around their apartment. It was just the two of them.

~

William first brought up the subject of children after they’d been engaged for three weeks, and then about every month after. Lizzie never left him finish the thought, either quickly changing the subject or kissing him with such passion that he was reduced to an incoherent mess.

It was during those times when she realized that she was utterly selfish. She couldn’t give him what he wanted, not really, and yet she still had the audacity to demand his affections. She knew that any future between them would crumble into non-existence as soon as she told him. But because she loved him, she waited. She kissed away his questions about their future, and what he believed would come with it.

The thing that hurt her the most though is not when she came home to find him looking at baby pictures of him and Gigi. It was not when they went shopping for the Gibsons’ baby shower, and she watched him finger the tiny booties almost in a state of disbelief. No, the thing that hurt the most was when Bing called him with the news that Jane was finally pregnant. After the look of joy for his best friend disappeared from his face, Lizzie caught a glimpse of longing in his eyes. She had to force herself to remain silent, so great was the desire to tell him everything then and there.

One day, when he was away on a business trip in New York, and when the spacious apartment suddenly felt too big, she pulled out the photo album and started looking through it, staring intently at every picture. She took a sharp intake of breath at a picture of a 16-year-old William, seated at a small plastic children’s table with a pink feather boa around his neck, being served imaginary tea by an eight-year-old Gigi. And her heart ached as for the first time, she pictured Will doing the same thing with a little black-haired girl with her eyes. But her heart ached not for it to happen, but because she knew it never would. Not unless she gave up everything else she wanted.

~

That year for Thanksgiving, everyone went down to the Bennet’s, Gigi included, and their mother made enough turkey to last a month. Jane and Bing were there, with Jane on the cusp of being seven months pregnant. Anyone could see just from her face and the way that Bing caressed her swelling abdomen that they were completely happy. Mrs Bennet fawned over Jane even more than usual, not allowing her to do anything for fear of hurting the baby. In that moment, Lizzie promised herself that she would never be reduced to such uselessness, and her fist clenched involuntarily. William gave her a questioning look, and she was so overwhelmed, unable to deal with him alone let alone in front of everyone. She hastily excused herself to the bathroom to escape.

Deep down, as she stared at herself in the mirror, she knew that this would end with her either breaking his heart, or her own.

Her mother interfered, of course, and almost ruined everything in the form of a package that arrived on their front doorstep one day.

William arrived home first, raised an eyebrow at it, and then left it on the kitchen countertop for Lizzie to deal with. When she got home, two hours later, he asked her about the parcel whilst preparing dinner, although not until after he had lectured her on working late and poured her a glass of red wine.

She opened it cautiously and out fell a book – a book of baby names. The title burned her eyes as she gazed at it, aware of William staring at her. Lizzie turned to look at him, and he returned the gesture. His eyes asked her the question she feared and she shook her head.

“My mother.” she said, surprising herself with the levelness of her voice. “She sends the most ridiculous presents.”

William smiled slightly.

“Ridiculous?” he replied, taking the book and putting it on the bookcase. “We can just save it for the future.

He gave her a dazzling smile and, unsurprisingly, she put off telling him.

Just one more time, she told herself, and she wondered whether it was a lie.

~

She knew she couldn’t evade his questions forever, that he would eventually see through the façade and ruin everything. She didn’t want to break his heart, but she knew that bottling it up for too long could only make it worse. Nonetheless, Lizzie still hated herself even as the words came out of her mouth.

She finally told him on a stormy night a month before the wedding, once they were settled on the couch with her head in his lap. Only two hours earlier they had visited Jane and Bing, and one-week old Charlie. Seeing William tenderly hold the baby, as if scared that he may break, made her decision to tell him concrete. For she wanted him to have children, to have the family he wanted, even if it were not with her.

“Will.” she began, saying his name softly and getting his attention immediately. She rose up from her lying position, looking down at her lap. Suddenly the words came tumbling out of her mouth, so quickly that she could barely register them and so quickly that she couldn’t change her mind. She had flung herself into the flames with no protection, and as soon as she said it, she wished she had remained silent. She looked up to see him glancing at her with all the hurt and heartbreak in the world in his eyes, utter confusion lining his face.

“Say that again, Lizzie.”

His voice was quiet, slightly incredulous but demanding.

She took a deep breath and said the words that had been haunting her for over a year.

“I don’t want kids. I don’t see myself having kids.”

She stared at him, searching his face for a sign that he will ask her for her engagement ring at any second or for the telltale signs of his anger. He pinched the bridge of his nose between his left forefinger and thumb.

"The difference is at night I dream of you with children and I assumed you would want that, considering your relationship with your sisters. I dream of you reading stories to our children and telling them the story of us. I dream of babies with red hair wearing a little plaid shirt, I dream of holding a baby for the first time and seeing you in their face, I dream of family outings to everywhere around San Francisco and I always dream of it with you. Its what I dreamed about even before Pemberley, way before we kissed."

Will sighed before continuing, almost in a state of disbelief.

“But you don’t want that.” he added disconsolately.

Lizzie could practically hear his heart shattering.

“I’m sorry. Children mess things up. I want my business to do well, I want a stable career and money set aside for the future. I don’t want stretch marks, or the general mess of bodily fluids that comes with kids, or the pain of childbirth. And I'm very sure I'd be a selfish mother. I love you and I want you but I don’t want children, nor anything entailed with them.”

She got up from the couch, and though her heart hurt with every twist, took off the engagement ring that had been his mother’s, and placed it on the coffee table. Hurriedly, she pulled on her coat and, grabbing her bag and keys, left the apartment before she could change her mind.

She drove away to the offices of Longbourn Productions, which were unsurprisingly deserted at that time of 10 o’clock on a Saturday night. She went into her office and stared out the glass window, looking over the San Francisco harbor. She didn’t know how long she did that for, but everything truly started to hurt and she realized the severity of what she had done when she went to twist her ring absentmindedly and found it missing.

At some point, she sat down in her desk chair and cried, cursing her selfishness. Once the flood of tears stopped flowing, she found herself exhausted and curled up on the couch in the corner, the couch that Will had bought her when she was first starting up her company. The fact that Will bought it made her chest tighten even more. She tried to sleep, knowing that although it had shattered them both, she had done the right thing.

~ 

 

He turned up at her office the next morning as soon as they were open with dark bags under his eyes and coffee in his hands. She knew that the coffee would be exactly how she likes it and as she sat up from the couch where she lay thinking all night, she realised how lucky she is, how lucky she was, to have him. 

"Lizzie, please. We need to talk about this." In that moment, he looked exactly like a puppy who has just been kicked in the side. She sighed and let him into her messy office. She could see him taking in everything, the blankets on the couch, the papers strewn all over the floor, the paperweight lying in pieces near the wall. 

He handed her the coffee and sat down on the couch next to her. He ran his hand through his hair, which had started going prematurely grey, giving him that dusting of salt-and-pepper look that Lizzie loves. They both go to say something but William stopped and let her continue.

"I don't see what there is to talk about. You want children, you always have. I don't want them, and I don't think I ever will." Lizzie finished, averting his eyes. He lifted her chin with a finger to look into her eyes deeply.

"Yes, I want children but I need you Lizzie. I can't give up on you again, not this time. I can put all my wishes aside to keep you." 

She pulled away from him.

"I can't let you do this Will. You can't give up all your dreams for me. I'm the selfish one here not you." 

William got up and went over to stand by the window, staring into the distance before he turned to face her. His voice was shaky when he spoke.

"You don't understand. You make me a better person Lizzie, I love you no matter what. I cannot fathom the thought of being without you for another day. I want to do this, I do. I don't care if I am never a father, never get to have children, never get to hold a baby and know it's mine." His voice cracked at the last line. 

"No, Will, you do care. I could not live with myself knowing I denied you what you want because I'm selfish. I'm not going to be the person who denies you children yet still asks for your love. I can't." Lizzie's voice rose and her cheeks were flushed. 

"Are you breaking up with me Lizzie?" He looked dejected, ten times worse than her initial rejection of him.

"I think it's for the best," She couldn't believe she was saying this, yet she continued. "You'd be unhappy, always longing for a baby, for something just out of reach to you if you stay." 

"Lizzie. Please. Believe me when I say I don't care, believe me when I say all I want is you. Children are not important. Please believe me. I don't care. I only care that we are together." Will took a step towards her, a look of offering of his face and the engagement ring in his outstretched hand.

"That's bullshit Will and you know it. You wouldn't be truly happy, not deep down. I've seen the way you look at Charlie, the light in your eyes whenever you talk about having kids. I can't deprive you of that. I'm selfish, I'm a cold hearted and selfish person who only cares about her work and her fiancé who she doesn't deserve and I'm not taking away something so important to you because of who I am." Her voice had reached shouting point and in a final act, she closed his fingers of his hand holding the ring and pushed the hand back towards him. 

Her voice lowered. "You should probably call the officiant and the gardens, let them know the wedding is off. You can send out a group email to everyone as well, tell them there'll be no wedding." 

She turned away from him, certain her resolve would be shattered if she looked at him. Behind her, she knew that Will was silently crying, something he barely does and she knew she had broken him. 

"Please, Lizzie, we can compromise. We can do anything you want, please don't do this." His voice was watery. "Don't give up on us. We can work something out." He sighed  
"Yes, not being a father, not having children, would hurt, it would hurt like absolute hell but that hurt would be a prick to the finger compared to the pain of losing you. Look at me, please."  
Slowly, she turned around to look at him. His eyes were red and puffy and tears tracks shone on his face. "Lizzie, I physically cannot live without you. Not having children is something I can come to terms with, something I can learn to live with, but I cannot live without you. I will happily never bring up children ever again but please don't leave me. I adore you and I love you too much to let you go. You make me complete, you make me better. We can have our little family, the two of us. I'm saying this from my heart. I need you, I don't need children. You're the only thing I need, ever."

"You seriously mean it? Are you sure you won't regret this ten years down the line, twenty years down the line, fifty years down the line? I know you Will." He smiled slightly at that.  
"Exactly Lizzie, you know me. You know me better than myself at times so you should know that I can't live without you. You know that losing you is what I dream about now every first week in May, you know that I now dream that it was you in that car crash, not my parents. You know I can't live without you." 

Lizzie had now started silently sobbing at his words and he hesitantly pulled her into a hug, and wiped away her tears with the pad of his thumb. Lizzie stretched up onto the tips of her toes and crashed her lips into his, the kiss sweeter yet full of more desperation than their first kiss all those years ago, the kisses salty with their combined tears. He moaned softly into her mouth and pulled away slightly before kissing away all her tears. Lizzie laughed softly and captured his lips again. 

Will stepped away from her and held up the engagement ring.  
"Please still marry me Lizzie. For once, I've said everything I can. You're my everything. I love you, forever. I'd love you if it was just us with absolutely nothing else, if we were the last two left in the world and I'd need nothing else."  
"God, Will, why do you have such a way with words?" Lizzie held out her left hand and watched as he slid the ring onto her finger, as it fit as if it were made especially for her although it had been passed down through the generations. 

She kissed fiercely as he lifted her up slightly so she could reach. "Take us home Will." 

~


End file.
